I fell in love with someone who doesn’t love me back.
That’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to admit to myself. When I fall, I fall hard and fast. I love with all my heart and, in my past, it’s been reciprocated each time. But this time is different.
As hard as this was to admit, it brought me to my most recent miracle. Let’s back up a bit and I’ll explain how…
A couple weeks ago, I was doing yoga in the morning before I started my new part-time job and heard a pop in my back. Immediate pain. I had felt this pain before, years ago when I would pop my back on my own, so I knew that I had just popped my hips out of place. There was nothing much I could do in that moment, so I went to work and tried to deal with the pain. I couldn’t sleep that night and by Tuesday morning, the pain hadn’t subsided at all, so I went to the chiropractor. This particular chiropractor happens to be friends with the guy that I was seeing at the time.
He works on me and we get to talking. He is incredibly insightful and emotionally intelligent. For those who don’t know, physical pain in your body is tied to your mental state. If your energy is out of balance, you can encounter physical pain, disease, injuries, etc. I knew my back pain was related to my mental state. I had been in such a place of lack over the past two weeks. I was allowing my mental state to take me down – I stopped working on my business, I wasn’t showing up fully in my personal life, I was retreating into myself. My back had been hurting for 3 days prior to this incident and I hadn’t listened to my body. I kept going and finally, my body shut me down – it was time to rest.
During my second visit, we were talking about how to release emotions that you no longer want to feel. First, you can recognize what it is that you’re feeling – I am feeling worried. I asked him, “Well, once you identify what it is you’re feeling and you can identify where it came from, why you’re feeling that way, what the trigger was, how can you release it?” (I asked this because I had been feeling in a state of lack about this new relationship I was in. I hadn’t been feeling satisfied. My expectations were through the roof and I didn’t know how to release them – my expectations come from my mom. She had high expectations of me growing up and my dad wasn’t present a whole lot in my childhood, so I have high expectations of men I date or love because I don’t want to feel neglected.) He told me there are two ways to release. One, you can reframe the story. He gave the example, if you see a blue mustang and immediately think of your asshole of an ex – first get to the root – “why was he an asshole? Could I have done something different? Was I selfish or distant or …?” If you come to a conclusion of what you could have done better, then reframe it. When you see a blue mustang, think about how you can improve yourself.
The second way is to surrender. It sounds so easy, and it is, but it’s not.
A day before this visit, I had begun reading the book, A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. This book reframes God and connects Him to love. God is love. I have been saying, “Everything is love” since I started my healing journey. I never truly understood why until I started reading this book. I had turned away from God for awhile because I was tired of following what the Church told me to follow. I grew up Catholic, so Church and God were shoved down my throat. I needed a break and I needed to decide how I viewed God – not how everyone else wanted me to view Him. For me, this book has explained it perfectly so far…God is love and love is everywhere. It is that simple.
This is important because Marianne talks about how she surrendered to God when she was at her lowest point. She talks about how she hit bottom multiple times and each time would ask God for help – He would help her and then she’d fall right back down. She got tired of falling. She decided that she wanted to stay in a constant state of bliss – how she felt each time God would help her. The next time she fell, she surrendered. Surrendering allowed her to be free – it allowed her to let go and trust in God.
After my second chiropractic appointment, I decided I needed to have a conversation with the guy I was seeing. As I stated earlier, I hadn’t been feeling great about our relationship. I was in a constant state of lack and let down. I wasn’t exactly sure why, but I knew that something was wrong. As the conversation went on, it was clear that he didn’t want me how I wanted him. It was clear that he didn’t love me like I loved him. I had to leave the conversation abruptly because it hurt too much. My final words were, “I don’t feel wanted”.
I went home, called my friend, and cried. She told me that I knew my worth and it wasn’t like me to beg for anyone to love me. She’s 100% right. When I got off the phone with her, I sat in silence for a bit and I could feel the pain of loving someone and not receiving it back coming on. I knew it would be too much for me to handle. Then I did something that I hadn’t done in years.
I turned to God. I asked Him to take away this pain. I asked Him to help me carry it. I surrendered.
Less than an hour later, I received an Instagram message from a woman I went to high school with. We hadn’t talked in a long time and she sent me a song, Stand by Rascal Flatts. This song was the song that got me through some of my hardest times in high school. It was my anthem. I immediately turned it on and started crying. I walked out to my sacred space (where I meditate and do yoga) and began to dance – I fell to my knees, balled my fists up, cried, and stood up. I stood up. As I danced, I surrendered more and more. I cried and surrendered. After the song, I could feel God and my angels present. I cried even more and allowed them to envelope me. In that moment, my back didn’t hurt and I could feel pure love.
Then, I decided to take a hot bath. I lit a candle and some incense, placed my crystals (which I had just cleansed under the full moon – crystals have healing abilities and cleansing them in the full moon rids them of any negative energy and fills them with light) on the edge of the tub, and started playing a spiritual playlist that my friend sent me. I began to dance – to caress my body lovingly, to hold myself, to give thanks for my body. I stepped up to the tub and set an intention. I asked God, my angels, my ancestors, my spirit guides to be with me – to cleanse me through this bath – I spoke the words, “I surrender”. Directly after I said “surrender” the woman’s voice in the song sang, “surrender”. I honestly couldn’t believe it – well I could, but it was just another confirmation that God was with me and I was surrounded with love.
That bath was magical – cleansing – spiritual. I stepped out feeling lighter and freer than I had in awhile. I came to conclusions about my relationship with this man and understand that it’s okay if he doesn’t love me. I am not less because of that. I am not unworthy because of that. If it’s not his time to love me, then it’s not right. If he isn’t in the place to receive my love and give me the love I deserve then that’s okay. It’s a privilege to love so hard and so much. I love that I love.
I know my angels surround me. I know that God is with me. I am Divine. I am a goddess. I am worthy of so much and I have so much to give.
Reminder: Others don’t define your worth. You do. Each time you feel yourself in a state of lack or self-deprecation, you have the option to choose again. Are you going to choose lack or love? Choosing again is not easy. Surrendering is not easy. Choosing God, choosing love, is not easy. But when I tell you that it is completely and absolutely freeing, I’m not lying.
Miracles can happen all the time. In fact, they do. We are only blind to them most of the time because we are not in the state of love, we are in the state of lack. Choosing again, choosing love, puts you in the place to receive miracles. My most recent miracle moment has reshaped me. It has put me into my next level. I can only hope to continue climbing, to continue on this path of love and light.
*For reference, I wrote this a couple weeks ago. My feelings about this situation were all true in the moment and some still are true. Just remember that this is only a small snapshot of a moment I experienced. This does not tell the full story of my relationship or the situation.
